I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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