Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
