I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
