Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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