So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We left the knife in your bed.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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