Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
