Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
