dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
