dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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