I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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