I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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