Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
