I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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