Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
