is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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