If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
