your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
