She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
