You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
