I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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