So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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