It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize