how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
