last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
