and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
