I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
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I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
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I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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