fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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