I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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