Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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