Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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