I cockslap morals
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
