i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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