So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Randomize
