I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
