Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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