I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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