You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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