I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
