Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
