You really coming over, don't trick.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
