i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
