i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
