My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
