Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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