I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
