Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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