If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
