Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
