So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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