Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
