it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
your like the ambassador to my penis.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
my poor anus
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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