You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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