Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
