I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
