accomplished twins. life is a go
you win again, gameday.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
