I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
