No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
