He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
